when i started this substack,
i began by talking about how sad it was to be packing up all of my belongings into garbage bags. cardboard boxes.
i did this again last night, because tomorrow, i’ll be off again to someplace faraway; more miles than last time. i’ve got a few of these little blue plastic box-things that i had when i moved to boarding school, but i had them in grey back then. they fell apart after a couple years of use, but navy is more of my color anyways.
but despite that it’ll be further than last time, that my time away will be longer, i feel good. i feel ready.
i realize that i lied to myself a lot throughout the past three years—the calls i didn’t make to family, i told myself, were to not worry them with my problems. in reality, i wanted to focus on my classes, tests, friends, ignore everything else. i didn’t want to think about anything else. but when i hit walls inevitable and numerous, and my vague and immature notion of the trail to academic success got windy and confusing, all of a sudden both failures hit twice as hard. i severed bonds that tired me emotionally in childhood so i could focus and succeed (flawed, selfish logic in of itself), but when focus and success doesn’t flow, i failed at what i had self-assigned as my literal only job. it has stung all summer, as if i have been sunburned through my shirt.
i have defended myself from this logic aggressively, almost drunkenly. but it’s time to grow up—the people around me deserve to be treated with respect that can only come from someone not constantly self-deluded.
dear mom and dad, i know i haven’t been the best son. grandma and grandpa, i haven’t been a very good 장손. in the kim household from now on, please allow me to do the calling. this time, not so that it is me who feels less alone, or trapped—it’ll be from me, 아들; 장손, and i will hear about your day, and vice versa if you like. weekly calls. pictures of the waterfalls and cherry blossoms, maybe? i’ll surprise you. it’s not a transition that will happen perfectly. but i’ve started trying harder this summer, i swear, and i’m going to keep at it. 할아버지, i’ll study hard.
i packed light last time i left for school. literally and metaphorically. funnily enough, i was more excited about to leave behind what i was leaving behind, rather than what i’d find. but, i’m trying to take more with me this time, literally and metaphorically; more willingness to be held accountable, mostly.
i did find family at andover. i will in new york. but i assert steadfast that chicago is home, and protecting home, and by extension, people, is my responsibility too. not just books.
so to you guys reading, most of you friends, a few of you strangers, and a couple of spam-looking emails that i don’t recognize that could be robots but i won’t make assumptions about, this is the end. summer of writing concluded! thanks for following along, and i hope you’re doing well—keep in touch.
as for explaining my absence:
part one, i was happy to share, but i think i’m happier keeping part two to myself.
thanks for listening to these thoughts in passing,
laerdon
